ineke.co.uk

The MOT is an annual test to ensure that your car is roadworthy. We will introduce a ROT, an annual test to make sure all roads are car worthy.
#Manicfesto

— 📢 oFFiCiaL mONsTEr rAvINg lOOnY PArTy 🎩 (@Official_MRLP) October 12, 2019

Another wooden ball. Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?

— Steven (with a ph) (@SJKSalisbury) October 11, 2019

All over to Max's room?! 🎮⚽️

Days off in Suzuka…#JapaneseGP 🇯🇵 #F1 pic.twitter.com/VjZ87Yiopf

— Formula 1 (@F1) October 12, 2019

People are more likely to associate yellow with joy if they live in rainier countries that lay farther from the equator.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 12, 2019

People have started complaining about people mentioning Christmas too early, much earlier this year.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 13, 2019

So if you want to take your cat away with you for Christmas you’ll need to book an appointment for six weeks ago. Good luck. https://t.co/Rk3hCotlC6

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) October 13, 2019

QUICK! EVERYONE TO ALDI! NOW! BARGAINS TO BE HAD! pic.twitter.com/RFBktJBJvy

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 13, 2019

I've still never watched this film, out of loyalty to Jen. pic.twitter.com/YV0LdyG4Nj

— Lucy Vine (@Lecv) October 13, 2019

So Steve Chalke regularly takes to Google with his theological questions, a search engine that is designed to produce results in order of popularity….

— Joe Henegan (@Joe_Henegan) October 13, 2019

I will not believe Britain is a truly modern democracy until the Queen breaks off halfway through her speech to do an ad for Squarespace

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) October 14, 2019

a train ticket to Leeds is £125 but the fine for not having a ticket is £80. call me money saving expert

— matt (@masjelfs) October 13, 2019

BREAKING: Queen sets out fourteen new laws.

UPDATE: Govt has already broken nine of them.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) October 14, 2019

Someone at work has been giving the Tupperware in the fridge cute nicknames like 'Sarah' and 'Michael'. We have no idea why but Keith was delicious.

— Dave (@davechannel) October 14, 2019

We’re saving another 18 tonnes of plastic from landfill a year in a new trial to remove the plastic on multibuy cans. If you purchase the same amount of loose tins, a mutibuy purchase will be charged at checkout. (Read our thread below for more info) pic.twitter.com/ymnqCPTdle

— Waitrose & Partners (@waitrose) October 14, 2019

saying you were a c-section baby:
• boring
• conversation-killer

saying “I was from my mother’s womb untimely ripp’d”:
• dramatic
• metal as hell
• can defeat Macbeth in single combat, as the prophecy foretold

— Owl! at the Library 😴🧙‍♀️ (@SketchesbyBoze) October 13, 2019

I just lost my wallet on the way home from work. I didn't have much identifying info in there so a good Samaritan got in touch with my via my… bank account 🤯

4x transfers of £0.01 each with a reference up to 18 chars pic.twitter.com/RVK8I1ZctQ

— Tim Cameron (@Timcammm) October 14, 2019

Seeing as no one can properly communicate with ducks and get their opinions on important matters we don't actually know if it's nice weather for ducks.

— Dave (@davechannel) October 14, 2019

How to look busy:

– Frantically pretend to search for pen on and around desk
– Keep saying “right what was I doing?”
– Whisper “come on!” at your computer/angrily shake mouse
– Type quickly while standing/wearing a coat
– Look at watch and swear, rush out the office, go home

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) October 15, 2019

The pastry week technical challenge should be eating a pasty without getting pastry flakes absolutely EVERYWHERE. #GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 15, 2019

Paul and Prue: "We want vertical pies. We want you to put multiple pies on top of one another"

Henry: [puts pies one top of one another]

Paul and Prue: "WHY HAVE YOU ONLY PUT THEM ONE ON TOP OF ANOTHER"#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 15, 2019

Gravity is not 9.8 m/s^2. That is just the global average. On this globe it is stronger in the red areas and weaker in the blue areas. pic.twitter.com/NwUJ9WB0a2

— Amazing Maps (@amazingmap) October 15, 2019

Do you want to…
…feel unwanted in all conversations?
…shake your leg up and down in all meetings?
…be constantly sure that everyone hates you?
…never sleep because of all the regret?
…think about everything ever all the time?
Then you should try ANXIETY™

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) October 16, 2019

CALLING. SOMETHING. A. VIRAL. VIDEO. DOES. NOT. MAKE. IT. VIRAL. #TheApprentice

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 16, 2019

Dear Extinction Rebellion,

The Tube & all modes of public transport are part of the solution to climate change, not the problem.

Can we kindly suggest you stick to protesting against those who create the problem. Not our industry, members + hard working commuters.

Many thanks.

— ASLEF (@ASLEFunion) October 17, 2019

I only started coming to work by tube because of Greta Thunberg. And now I run the risk of the train being hijacked by the lunatic fringe of Extinction Rebellion. Would they rather we all drove? Targeting commuters on public transport is a staggeringly stupid move.

— James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) October 17, 2019

Is there a word for when you’re so relieved at not being brutally murdered after all, you end up praising your attacker for only maiming you? #Brexit

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) October 17, 2019

Boy is Boris going to be furious with… Boris. #BorisDealpic.twitter.com/9jAt4YKKd8

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) October 18, 2019

1210 days, 3 Prime Ministers, 3 Brexit Secretaries, 3 meaningful votes, 3 and a half years, 2 extensions and 2 deals later, it’s even clearer that nothing is better than the arrangements we already had with the EU.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) October 17, 2019

Look. No matter what you think of the Deal. As a political scientist and a rational being, I have to note that giving Parliament 48 hours to read, accurately assess, evaluate and then vote on a Deal that will alter their entire political, social and economic future is ludicrous.

— Dr. Jennifer Cassidy (@OxfordDiplomat) October 17, 2019

Yes, that was me at the Cowboys game with George W. Bush over the weekend. Here’s the whole story. pic.twitter.com/AYiwY5gTIS

— Ellen DeGeneres (@EllenDeGeneres) October 8, 2019

Evens chance this actually is Boris Johnson… https://t.co/HdF41k61RO

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) October 18, 2019

Therefore perfectly encapsulating Brexit https://t.co/khifsXoCCj

— Tom Jamieson (@jamiesont) October 19, 2019

The year is 2207. Mankind now communicates telepathically. Robots live amongst us as sentient beings. Three off world colonies on Mars exist. The 183rd Brexit withdrawal deal has just been defeated in The House of Commons by 3 votes.

— Tom Jamieson (@jamiesont) October 19, 2019

Hello Boris, I have a spare stamp if you need one. You wouldn’t want to miss the post… pic.twitter.com/J2CKnFSciO

— Tim Farron (@timfarron) October 19, 2019